Blog – Letting Go of Mum Guilt
Over the past 18 months or so of writing my regular blog on parenting and academia, there is one subject I have tried to avoid. Mum guilt. I hate it. Conceptually, I hate it. It irks every feminist bone in my body. It doesn’t fit with me and my somewhat gender-neutralised ideas on parenting.
But, recently, I have been feeling guilty.
When I was on mat leave, people warned me that I would find going back to work difficult. That it would be super hard being in the office and knowing that someone else was caring for my child a few days a week, getting that access to their development, perhaps catching those milestones before I did. They warned me about that nefarious mum guilt that would creep in, and make me question whether I was doing the right thing.
I can honestly say, it never really happened. I loved being back at work – and still do. Compared to pre-parenthood, I am in the office more frequently, relishing having a little distance from my flat, with its piles of laundry waiting to be done, or dishes from breakfast not yet dealt with. I work somewhat compressed, somewhat flexible hours, with childcare three days each week, meaning there are still two days in the working week that I am with my child. At the time, it seemed like a reasonable balance for everyone.
Recently, I have been finding things hard. Harder than I had done, until now. The two days I have my son at home, I keep an eye on my emails while he plays and am straight to work while he naps. That’s been the arrangement for the past ten months, but it is starting to feel harder, and I am tired. And I feel guilty, because surely I shouldn’t find it so hard, and surely I shouldn’t be so tired.
I was at a family gathering a couple of weeks ago when someone commented on how ‘busy’ my 18-month-old is. Busy. I wasn’t really sure what that was meant to mean, but sure, I guess he’s pretty active, spends a lot of time on his feet. A week later, a similar comment. Another parent from our childcare provider said how much energy he appeared to have at the end of the day – which, to be fair, was a reasonable assessment given he was on the doorstep shouting ‘HELLO’ at the top of his lungs into the street. But that’s just normal, surely? I’m certain that loads of kids would run around for thirteen hours a day and shout every word they know while they do it.
Our worst suspicions were confirmed when my husband took our son on a playdate. It turns out, the other child would actually sit down for a few minutes to play with a toy, or would go of his own volition to have a lie down, or have a break from company. The company he needed a break from being our extremely energetic toddler. Turns out that relative to other children his age, he is quite full on. I genuinely didn’t realise that kids his age could just sit quietly.
Perhaps it should have been reassuring – it’s reasonable to be tired when you have a particularly outgoing and active toddler. For me, though, it wasn’t.
Cue that guilt. I feel bad that work feels like such a break to me; that I do look forward to being in the office with its opportunities to speak to other adults, have a coffee at will, or not spend the day scanning the room for potential hazards. I feel bad that running around after my child from 6am until 7pm can feel really hard, particularly when I can’t take a break during his nap; I have to work. I feel bad because I should be able to do all of it; squeeze 35 hours of work into just three days plus nap times, be an engaged and attentive and kind and fair parent. But I can’t. At this moment in time, I can’t do all those things and do them well.
The conclusion I’ve come to is that the current arrangement isn’t the best for me, and certainly isn’t the best for my son. I hate that I have to have one eye on him, one eye on my emails, and this can’t be the ideal situation for the next fifteen months of my PhD.
We had always said that our arrangement as far as childcare was concerned was subject to regular review, and after 10 months, now is the time. Whether or not I should feel guilty about it, I realise now that having an extra day of childcare each week will be the best scenario for all involved. I want to be the best parent I can be, and right now that looks like getting some extra support. This morning I spoke to the childminder, and from next week he will have an extra day. An extra day of work for me, an extra day of fun for him, and hopefully that little bit of headspace that I need.
Emily Spencer
Author
Emily Spencer is a PhD Student at University College London looking at improving how GPs communicate with people with dementia and their family carers about their future care. Emily previous had a 5 year career break to pursue a career as a musician, and has previously undertaken research on improving the care people with dementia receive from their GP practice, as well as end-of-life and palliative care provision in the community. Emily is also a new mum and will be writing about her experiences navigating motherhood and a research career.