Balancing a PhD, Two Young Kids, and Everything Else

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17/02/2026

Anonymous asks:

Dear Solutions Lab,

I’m six months into my PhD and, if I’m being straight about it, I’m not sure I can see the next three or four years through.

I’ve got two young children, and we’re doing the usual juggle with nursery, school runs and last-minute illnesses. I’m on a hybrid pattern, which sounded ideal on paper, but in reality, it means I’m constantly switching roles – and not having time to do any one thing very well! I only seem to properly “work” once the kids are in bed, so most evenings I’m back at my laptop until gone 11pm.

I knew it would be hard. I’m not naïve about that. But I don’t think I appreciated how relentless it would feel. There are years of this ahead and that’s the bit that’s starting to get to me.
My partner also started a new job not long after I began, which has changed the dynamic more than we expected. They’re supportive, but they’re stretched too, and we don’t have much family nearby. It feels like we’re both just keeping plates spinning.

Academically, I’m doing fine. My supervisors are positive. But I feel like I’m only just keeping my head above water by working late most nights, and I’m not sure that’s sustainable. I’m tired, a bit snappy, and starting to wonder whether this was the right decision at this stage of life.

Part of me is thinking about quitting. The other part feels like that would be letting people down. My supervisors. My funder. Myself. I worked hard to get here.

For those who’ve done a PhD with young children, or who’ve felt like this early on, does it get easier? Is this just the adjustment phase, or is it a sign that something needs to change? How do you make it sustainable without burning out or resenting the whole thing?

Emily Spencer (PhD Student, University College London) responds:

Hello,

Thank you for submitting this question. I have to say, a lot of what you’ve shared has resonated with me – so you are definitely not alone. I can’t promise that I can offer any solutions, but perhaps I can offer some reassurance that there are others in similar situations, and that there can be light at the end of the tunnel.

My own situation is slightly different to yours; I started my PhD child-free, went on maternity leave a year into my degree, and returned to what felt like a world of chaos. Much like you, I felt that the best way to make things work was through a hybrid approach whereby I would be in the office a few days a week, and then try to work plus look after my son the remaining days. It was awful. In reality, this looked like me working on my phone while walking with him in the baby carrier, becoming out-of-my-mind stressed if he refused to go down for a nap, because I might have scheduled a meeting for the same time. It looked like me taking two days of annual leave for the entire of the first year after I returned, and feeling really angry about any expectation from my partner that I should actually take some time off to spend as a family. It was clearly massively unsustainable, and pretty miserable at times.

I’m now six months away from finishing my PhD, and I would absolutely say that things have improved. Part of that is being more settled into the PhD: particularly in the first year, even without children, I would say that doing a PhD can be hugely unsettling. Given your life stage, I would imagine you’ve enjoyed a career prior to the PhD that you felt confident and established in. But starting a PhD can often feel like starting from scratch, and bring up feelings of insecurity about your ability or value that you can otherwise keep suppressed. At least for me, the further into the journey I’ve gotten, the more confident I have felt in terms of what I am achieving. My supervisors have also been very quick to point out to me that being a parent can often go hand-in-hand with increased productivity. It’s likely that because of all the plates you have to keep spinning, you can manage to get an awful lot done in very little time. This also means you can probably afford to apply the brakes, a little.

In terms of practical advice, the following are things that I’ve personally found helpful:

1. Doing a PhD can be flexible, which is great, but sometimes it can be perceived to be endlessly flexible. This isn’t helpful when your child is suddenly sent home from nursery and you’re the easier option for childcare. In his role, my partner cannot work from home, which means things do tend to fall to me. However, we made an agreement early doors that days where I was scheduled to complete fieldwork were a non-negotiable. If I couldn’t collect the data I needed, the PhD wouldn’t happen. If you haven’t already, it might be worth speaking about and agreeing where your work needs to take precedence so you have uninterrupted time (hopefully also avoiding working until 11pm!).

2. There will be other people in the same situation as you – either at your institution or elsewhere. It can be so isolating when you feel like you’re the only person managing what feels like an impossible situation. Do try to find others that can help carry the emotional burden! (While I don’t know who you are, you know who I am, so do feel free to reach out!)

3. Prioritise finding time for some rest (i.e., don’t do what I did and never take time off). I’m sure that the odd day without PhD or childcare responsibilities won’t hurt, and will instead help sustain you. As little as it is, I try to take one day off a term to just go for lunch and to the cinema to help reset, and it does help.

Finally, if you do decide to put the PhD on pause for now, there is absolutely no shame in that, and you’re not letting anyone down. Ultimately, you need to do what is best for you and your family. But I do believe it gets easier. Whatever you decide, I for one am rooting for you.

Dr Gemma Lace (Associate Dean Academic for Student Experience and leads the Molecular Biology Dementia Group, University of Salford) responds:

Hello,

‘Firstly, kudos to you for recognising the ‘as is’ situation isn’t working for you, this is a really important first step to changing things for the better!

PhDs are HARD. Being a parent is HARD. There will be many kindhearted and well-meaning folk who will tell you their story, and how you should navigate this…… I truly believe the best way forward, is YOUR way forward. Every situation is unique and this is ultimately about your life and your happiness, nobody else’s. It’s always useful to hear about the experiences of others but please don’t be pressurised into following someone else’s path….

I would encourage you to firstly explore all your options, even if you know you have no interest in pursuing them. Sometimes it can be reassuring to know you have a plan B, C, D and E should you need it! What are the additional childcare options available at School and nursery? What about childminders and other services? If working late isn’t working for you, what about earlier starts? What about a swapping late nights for a single full day at the weekend so you get your evenings back? What are your options with respect to part-time PhD? Write down all your options, and ask your PGR support team if there are others going through similar challenges and to make sure your are clear on options and funding implications. Take time to reflect on all of them and don’t rush into any decisions. I promise you, you are not alone!. As scientists, we know that if an experiment doesn’t work, we tweak a variable and repeat. So what are you going to tweak first? If you decide to take a different path further down the line, fine (seriously, your life, your family), but you’ll feel so much better knowing you’ve tried different approaches first, even if your particular way of working ends up being beautifully unconventional and unique (mine is, and unapologetically so!)

You mentioned feeling like you are switching roles which I found interesting. You are a PhD candidate, a parent, a friend, a child, and most likely wearing a bunch of other hats, and that is glorious! You’ve mentioned your supervisors are happy, so you are clearly doing a much better job than you are giving yourself credit for. I challenge you to reflect on, who or what are you comparing yourself to? What standards are you putting on yourself? How are you celebrating your small wins and progress? How could you be a little kinder to yourself? You made some small humans AND you are doing a PhD, isn’t that worth celebrating?!

For assurance, I’ve navigated academia with kids and I get it. It can be exhausting, overwhelming and intense. I found until I starting making a conscious effort to build in clear breaks, ‘me time’ and rest, I was in a cycle of exhaustion, guilt and frustration. Get that quality family time in the diary, and pair that with a little time that is just for you… you’ll be much more productive once you return to your studies. Right now you sound massively overwhelmed. When I feel like that, I put down all the things I am juggling to reset, then pick them back up, one at a time. When was the last time you took a break? Get something booked in!

Being a parent, like completing a PhD, has ebbs and flows of chaos and calm. I found when the kids were finally in the same school it got easier. I found once certain rounds of experiments were done, it got easier. I found summer easier. I found Saturdays easier. I found if I ate well and got enough sleep, it was easier. Notice when things feel easier and when you feel joy, and consider, what was the driver of that? How can you embed more of that into your day to day life?

Seriously, you are a legend. Don’t forget that. Be experimental in your own life, see what works, see what doesn’t and learn from it. You always have a choice and don’t worry if your way is different to everyone else’s, it’s your adventure.

Good luck to you- I know you’ve got this!