Blog – The Rocky Road to PhD Submission

To my former self (or alternatively you, dear reader)! A couple of weeks ago, I submitted my PhD thesis. I had so many thoughts and emotions in the run-up to submission, that there were almost none left for the day itself. And whilst there is nothing I can say to prepare you for your journey to that final deadline, I hope that writing down some of my experiences might help normalise what can be a very rocky final stretch of road.

With two months until submission, my primary thoughts could best be conceptualised, not with words, but instead internal screaming. All the streams of research I had been working on for the past four years seemed to come together all at once and demand equal amounts of attention when I had neither the mental capacity nor the time to deal with them. There was too much to do and not nearly enough time left to do it in. The rock in the road to a perfect PhD submission felt more like an immovable bolder blocking the entire path. I couldn’t finish everything the way I wanted it finished. I owed it to myself to make this thesis the most perfect version of my research I could. I’d been working on it for the best part of four years after all.

With six weeks until submission, I received an email from a lovely colleague about something completely unrelated to my PhD, and almost offhandedly she finished by saying “just in case you need to hear it, a good thesis is a finished thesis, not a perfect one”. The minute she said it, the blinkers came off and I realised the road blockage in front of me was completely of my own making. There were in fact several other clear paths leading forwards that I hadn’t even noticed, because I had been too focussed on making something perfect. There may be some magical, mystical people who finish every single item on their to-do list before the thesis deadline. They may submit every paper to journals, tick off every analysis, and polish every chapter until its as bright and shiny as can be. Those people might exist. But I don’t think they do. And so with six weeks to go, life got a little less rocky when I realised that all the pressure I was putting on myself to write the perfect PhD, needed to go. I veered off from my idealised golden path and found a workable alternative signposted “good enough”.

With four weeks until submission, my primary thought became simply: “This can’t be real”. As the pragmatic stress of finishing the PhD began to fade, a more abstract stress took its place and a familiar friend started throwing pebbles from the verges: imposter syndrome. This thesis is too short, he said. You haven’t done enough to earn a PhD, he said. Why did you ever think you’d deserve to be here? I looked at the impressive work being done around me by my lab mates and other PhD students at my unit. Work much more interesting and nuanced and complex than mine. It was obvious that they’d done enough to obtain the highest academic degree. My thesis seemed so small and insignificant by comparison. I wanted to feel triumphant that it was done. But instead I felt anxious that it was all I had done. Was it even enough?

Three weeks until submission, sat on my couch at home, I finally broke and turned to my partner: “I don’t think it’s good enough”. His response wasn’t exactly what I was expecting – he burst out laughing. Because to him, that thought was just patently absurd. He reminded me of all I’d done over the past four years, for my research yes but also for myself. He reminded me of how impressive it is run studies and analyses in this ever-changing and complex fields. He reminded me that everyone’s research is different, but not greater or lesser. The imposter syndrome didn’t stop throwing rocks after that, but I stopped paying them attention.

With one week to go until submission, I ran out of energy. It wasn’t so much that there was nothing more to be done, but rather I had done all I was going to do. As academics I think we periodically underestimate how draining our jobs can be, and how much mental capacity it takes to engage with tasks at the level of complexity that we do. I knew going into the final stretch of my PhD that this complexity would be amplified by anxiety. I thought I was prepared for the energy it would take to keep myself going on this rocky road a little longer. But it turned out I wasn’t prepared enough. I couldn’t keep myself going.

And so comes the biggest lesson I think I’ve learned from my PhD – you can’t do it alone. As much as you might love the idea of a cut-throat academic loan wolf, taking names and doing research with a level of independence and rigour that makes people swoon. The practicalities are that being a lone wolf sucks. And especially in that final stretch, every kind word and gesture gave me the energy to just keep going.

Maybe you can do it alone. But I couldn’t. And it took me a good long while to accept that. Teamwork does indeed make the dream work.

With one day until submission, excited didn’t cover the emotions I was feeling, neither did dread, nor relief. It was all of them and more. After four years of bringing it all together, I had done it. I didn’t tell anyone for a few hours after submitting. For the first time in a long time, I just enjoyed the quiet. I got cheesy chips on my way home from the office. They tasted really good. And I was reminded that life goes on. Then I shared the news with all the people who made it happen.

Former self my advice to you as you begin down this rocky road, is don’t travel alone. Getting to know people in your department is not a waste of time. Making new connections outside of your PhD is not a waste of time. Because as proud as I am of the work in my thesis – the section that still makes me cry every time, is the acknowledgements.

Rebecca Williams

Author

Rebecca Williams is a PhD student at the University of Cambridge. Though originally from ‘up North’ in a small town called Leigh, she did her undergraduate and masters at the University of Oxford before defecting to Cambridge for her doctorate researching Frontotemporal dementia and Apathy. She now spends her days collecting data from wonderful volunteers, and coding. Outside work, she plays board games, and is very crafty, she also has her own YouTube Channel Becky & the Brain.

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